Breaking my back all summer has paid off. Starving my muses by neither writing, drawing nor reading ended up earning me the good grades I’ve been needing. How on earth that happened, I have no clue, given that up for a few days I had a 49 on one, a 69 on the other, and I somehow upped them to 88 and 90.

Commisions have been coming in, so this coming week I’ll be focusing on those, as well as visiting old friends.

Creastra re-did the look for CC— my art portfolio— and it looks great. I’m sticking to the red,black,gray,white color scheme.

I can finally go back to being active online, which includes renewing my involvement in Subeta. Character profiles are so much fun.

I’m a jack-of-all-trades, master of none— eager and ambitious to dabble in anything and everything that catches my interest to the fullest. At the moment I split my life into three key niches, or three separate careers that all feed off of each other: Psychology, Art, and Writing.

I’m not unaccustomed to responding to a variety of names depending on the situation. My academic identity differs from my familial one, for example. Mainly because my mother and I carry the same name, and so in order to avoid confusion, I’m exclusively called by my middle one while among family.

In writers its use is tremendously common in order to differentiate genres. If you want a Gothic Romance, you’ll go for Victoria Holt, not Jean Plaidy, though they’re both penned by Eleanor Hibbert. It’s the same with Anne Rice. You know what you’re getting based on the pseudonym. Anne Rice differs from Anne Rampling, who differs from A.N Roquelaure’s work.

I do the same with my careers.

Let’s say my full name is Violeta Camille Valery Gautier:

Camille Gautier is the Artist

Violeta C. Valery is the Psychologist

Violeta Valery is the Writer.

They’re all the same person. The name is what essentially briefs you in terms of what you’re getting. It’s a difficult thing for me to be split in three and not worry about how one name’s reputation might affect the other’s. For example, how my writing or my art might affect my reputation as a practicing psychologist once I graduate.

Essentially, there should be no clashes or contradictions, given all three take the same sex-positive stance, but there’s always the notion that something found in my fictional writing might harm the credibility of the practicing psychologist.

The idea that everything I might say is linked to my professional life is a frightening thing, but there’s no use living life tiptoeing around. One needs to be firm and unapologetic, even if it means going against the flow and risking alienating a few here and there.

I came across Zoe Winter’s work while looking for something brief and entertaining to read. I wanted something light and easy to digest. I’m an avid reader of elaborate prose, but lately I haven’t had the patience for it.

The title and the cover were what drew me in (I love felines), and the fact that it was labeled as a Paranormal Romance.

Therians have never been my thing. I lean more towards vampires, witches and ghosts. I know if it had been about werewolves, I wouldn’t have even given it a shot (and would have surely regretted it, given the third installment— Mated— focuses on werewolves, and it was one I really enjoyed).

“For centuries cat therians have sought shelter with magic users, giving rise to tales of the cat as the witch’s familiar.”

That was the phrase that drew me in.

* * *

Zoe Winter’s ‘Blood Lust’ Anthology is made up of three novellas that feed off of each other and its cast of characters.  The anthology is our introduction into the world of the Preternaturals, and it’s the first book in the Preternatural’s series.

The first installment is Kept, followed by Claimed, which overlaps with the final scenes of Kept, and finally, Mated, which takes place after the events in Claimed. Though one could read them out of order, there is wisdom in reading them in order for things to make better sense.

Kept
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As a cat therian (shifter), Greta’s blood is already sought-after to enhance spells and potions, but due to a quirk of her birth, her blood is potent enough to kill for. For centuries cat therians have sought shelter with magic users, giving rise to tales of the cat as the witch’s familiar. When her tribe plans to sacrifice her, Greta must ally herself with Dayne, the dangerous local sorcerer who is the only person strong enough to protect her.

Claimed
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For a vampire, Anthony isn’t a picky eater, but he’s drawn to Charlee’s bloodmore than any other. Like a fine wine saved for a special occasion, he’s denied himself this pleasure. But one night, high from the potent magical blood of another, he claims his prize and loses control. Ashamed of almost killing the one woman who means anything to him, he wipes her memory of the event. When Charlee awakens with complete amnesia, Anthony is the only one who can clean up the mess he’s made.

Mated
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Because of the vampiric blood that has run through her veins since birth, Jane has been a target for vampires who resent a human being “kindred.”  She’s forced to disguise herself as a vampire groupie to appease them and safeguard her life.  When she’s abruptly given to Cole, the leader of the werewolf pack, to satisfy a gambling debt,  she discovers the blood running through her veins has a far greater impact on her destiny than she ever imagined.

*  *  *

I’m not going to give a play by play of what each novella was about. One can find play-by-plays in any Amazon review. My interest lies on the literary quality and my overall impression of the writer’s story-telling as a debuting independent author in the Paranormal Romance genre.

Winter’s writing is unlike anything I’ve ever read before. She has a very solid and confident command of her writing. Her voice is very distinct and authoritative. Her style is ‘to the point’ and minimalistic. It’s assertive, sassy, snarky, and humorous, incorporating just the right amount of irony and sarcasm without it being irksome.

There’s a sensual quality to her writing; always an unobtrusive hum of eroticism that permeates actions and descriptions, rising and falling at the appropriate moments, that truly reflect the alluring nature of her preternatural characters.

Her scenes are short and blunt, as are the transitions, which coupled with the style of her writing makes her novellas easy and fast to read. There is no wasted time on elaborate description. She delivers enough information to give the reader an idea, then lets him fill in the blanks.

The Blood Lust anthology is one big tease of more to come. Hints and allusions to more complex supernatural elements give the impression that what we’re being shown is only the tip of the iceberg.

The writing is so imposing, the reader can’t help but submit to it— right off the bat it presents the idea of a parallel preternatural world, and the reader can’t object or second-guess.

The story-telling grips the reader almost immediately and keeps the spell going through all those rich little details that promise a well-thought out and more complex cosmology. It doesn’t bother to ask the reader to suspend his sense of disbelief, he’s forced to bottom to it regardless until the turn of the last page.

All three novellas are romance-oriented, but they bring along with them the thrills of action, mystery and suspense.  The coupling scenes are subtle, tastefully written, and teases in themselves.

The complex power dynamics were something I found very thrilling. Winters focuses on Type A characters for her heroines and heroes, yet those levels of dominance and assertiveness vary from dynamic to dynamic.

It’s a power play for every couple. The women are put in positions of vulnerability yet they seem awkward in those roles, because they simply don’t fit them. There’s a pattern of male dominance and female submission, yet the word ‘submission’ is inappropriate to use in that context— the females are very strong, they simply prefer the male to take charge.

The men vary in their levels of detachment (Anthony is cold, while Cole is warm and gentle) but the bottom line is that despite all their macho act, they have a soft spot for the women they love. Winter’s men are ‘real’ men, as the phrase goes, in the sense that they never force themselves onto the women. There’s always a power struggle, but the men never win by force. They earn the more dominant role in the dynamic by working for it.

The pattern that could sum up each novella would be: Girl is put in a vulnerable situation, has to resort to the main guy for help, they’re both reluctant, both begin to develop feelings for each other, but due to the brief amount of time they’ve been involved with each other they continue to battle it. There’s a misunderstanding or something leads the girl to be put in an even more vulnerable position that results in her needing to be rescued. The two main characters resolve their difference, and they get together.

The curious thing about it, is the way it’s carried out. Winters has a knack for action and suspense. You’ll already predict the ending, yet her use of suspense will keep you unsure and turning every single page until you’ve made sure. She makes it so that it’s not even about the main characters getting together, but rather about how they get there, and she always makes it exciting and interesting.

I can’t decide which novella was my favorite, but I know I became very fond of two characters. The main males in Claimed and Mated.

Winters makes a social commentary with each character and each story. Anthony, the morally ambiguous main character in Claimed, along with the realm of the vampires has a lot of potential for it, and that’s perhaps, the reason why I grew to like him so much.

Here we have a vampire with no qualms about being what he is. The sardonic embodiment of the brooding vegetarian vampire in Greggory, one of the vampires in Claimed made Winter’s stance of vampirism very clear— she has no pity for the self-hating, submissive sort. Her vampires are bad, they’re unapologetic about it, yet somehow we like them.

As for what I got out of reading these three novellas, that would be my newfound respect for therians and werewolves. Despite leaning more towards the vampires, Cole Riley, the hero from Mated grew on me.

Here we have a budding independent author building a name for herself. If Blood Lust is to serve as any reference, one can be sure the rest of her work will be of even greater quality.

I look forward to it.

It’s a bit complicated to point out why it is I love reading. I know I used to despise it all throughout my youth, never seeking out a novel for the sake of pleasure, and preferring the easy delights of Anime series (ironically enough, for their complexity, their depth, and literary quality), over written word.

There were a couple books, which in retrospect, I do look back on with a certain tenderness— Los Escarabajos Vuelan al Atardecer by Maria Gripe, and Ma y Pa Dracula, by Ann M. Martin.

Both of these had the underlying paranormal theme that would afterwards draw me in to later books.

I recall somehow developing an obsession for vampires more or less at the age of fifteen. The result of sneaking in on TV and watching an anime series called Nightwalker despite the ‘Must be Over 18’ block I somehow got through, intended for my benefit.

Regardless, that sprung my obsessive interest, and it only got worse when my cousins made me watch Neil Goldman’s Interview with the Vampire.

As it stood, Nightwalker had been based off of Interview, and when I read the words ‘Based on the novel by Anne Rice’, I became impossibly interested in acquiring that book.

I only found it in Spanish, but even then, I loved it. I loved the story, loved the characters, loved the fact that despite the differences between the movie and the book, the vital things had still been there, and there had been a comforting amount of similarity between Rice’s work, and the Nightwalker show.

In 2005, I spent a month in England instead of having the traditional Quincianera birthday party, and it was on that trip, that I acquired Blackwood Farm in Spanish a day before the departure, and right before I boarded, Blood Canticle in English.

Suffice to say, my distaste for translated books stems from the horrific realization I had the moment I opened Blood Canticle and I fell head-over-heels, absolutely in love with the prose. Translation, while does a decent job at conveying meaning, it kills the writer’s voice.

During my month-long stay, I bought The Vampire Lestat and Queen of the Damned.

It was at that moment that my love affair with reading for pleasure began, as was only fueled all the more at the discovery three years later of Donna Tartt’s The Secret History, Evelyn Waugh’s Brideshead Revisited, Oscar Wilde’s The Portrait of Dorian Gray, and Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita.

I read, because I develop deep friendships with the characters. I find like-minded people who get it, what ever that ‘it’ is. I lust after beautiful prose, and crave a good story. I love losing myself within the pages, within the lives of those characters.

I love opening Anne Rice’s Lasher and going back to Mona Mayfair and  my darling, Michael Curry. I love going back to The Secret History and spending time with Richard and the gang. I love going back to Brideshead Revisited and amusing myself with Sebastian Flyte’s peculiarities of character.

I read because I’m a writer and an artist. I read because I’m drawn to beautiful things, and prose is no exception.

“Jill couldn’t help falling for Todd. He was handsome, charming, and they had incredible chemistry. But he had a wife. And they had “an arrangement.”

Learning to live in a polyamorous relationship was different for everyone involved. But they adjusted. Enter “The One.”

Witty, romantic, and entirely available to be Jill’s alone, Dean swept Jill off her feet in a way that before would have answered her desires, but now only left her confused. A marriage proposal from Dean brought even more questions. Could Jill learn to be The One?”

* * *

I read this book back in April, when I was looking for a novel on polyamory, or themes more or less revolving around responsible non-monogamy portrayed in a sex-positive light.

My attraction to it was immediate, given the content in the introduction. At the mention of Violet Blue’s podcast, and Minx’s Polyamory Weekly, I knew I was on the right track. I immediately thought: Finally. Here’s a sex-positive novel on a severely stigmatized lifestyle. Just what I’ve been looking for.

I’d essentially assumed, this was a novel written by someone in the lifestyle, though as the novel went on, I kept catching hints here and there of the contrary. Not that it’s of any real importance, but it’s very different when one writes about a topic one is intimately acquainted to through experience, rather than detached intellectual understanding. Either way, I appreciated the author’s effort.

Assumptions and expectations were the thing that in a way, spoiled the book for me. I’d been looking to ‘The Unicorn’ for so long (a fictional novel that dealt with polyamory in a sex-positive light), that when I found something like it, it turned out to be something it was not. That in itself ended up spoiling the way I enjoyed the novel, and unfairly coloring my opinion of it.

* * *

The book begins with our female lead, Jill, experiencing a sudden strike of infatuation for a potential client, who as it turns out, is a married man. She describes it as ‘Love at first sight’, something she’s been skeptical about, but something her girlfriends have experienced first hand.

They have lunch dates and correspond through e-mail until they both feel there could be something more to the relationship. The ‘… but you have wife.” conversation takes place right away, and Todd, the married man, explains polyamory, how it differentiates from polygamy, and how it applies to their relationship. They’ve been doing it for years, or at least his wife has.

Todd’s wife, Tanya, travels constantly, which has allowed her to develop relationships with other men in different states, but Todd, unfortunately hasn’t found anyone to develop a secondary relationship with.

Jill does her research, and the writer spends some time explaining the overall concept and how it works before continuing her relationship with Todd.

Jill meets Tanya, they become best friends. After a New Years celebration with the married couple, Jill is invited to move in with them, which she does. She is easily incorporated into the family dynamic, getting along great with the kids and developing a more intimate friendship with Tanya.

Jill takes a hit for her decision both at work and in her friendships, in a way casting her out from their group due to her ‘awkward’ situation.

We then find out that Tanya is pregnant again, which deeply concerns Jill, and she doesn’t know what it will mean to her relationship with Todd. It turns out that with Jill in the picture, Tanya felt it would be ok to have another child, which triggers some resentment in Jill, given she’s the one who’s been missing out on her own life and investing all her time in a family she only belongs to indirectly.

Jill finds comfort in the friendship she develops with a coffeehouse clerk, Mindy. Tanya, feeling the limitations of being a mother for a newborn again, grows resentful of Jill’s freedom, and her new relationship with Mindy.

Mindy is considerably judgmental of Jill’s situation, but the two get along fine. By this time, Jill is sick and tired of Tanya’s overall immature attitude towards everything, and her childish resentment.

At the newborn’s first birthday, Jill makes acquaintance with Dean, one of the guests. There’s not the ‘love at first sight’ chemistry there was with Todd, but she becomes mildly and passively interested in him, reluctant to pursue, due to her situation with Todd and Tanya.

With everyone else in an established relationship, she decides to give Dean a try.

Dean takes her out, and Tanya is excited for her, though Todd is obviously jealous of the situation. We find out it’s most likely due to the fact that the ‘affair’ is taking place right under his nose, whereas Tanya’s were all in other states.

Jill disenchantment with her current situation is evident in one of her conversations with Dean:

“You know, to be really honest, it was [hard]. I mean, here’s a guy who I changed my life to be with, and he’s having babies with someone else. It’s a different way of thinking and it took me awhile to come to terms with. In the end, I decided that Catie [the newborn] is a part of Todd and Tanya’s relationship.”

Jill eventually starts to get that ‘butterflies in the stomach’ feeling for Dean, and in a way starts to prefer him over Todd (classic NRE symptom), who began to take her for granted the way he took his wife once Jill moved in.

“Todd admitted that it was hard to watch Jill coming and going with someone else. He hadn’t seen that with Tanya; her boyfriends had all been out of state. Jill had his first foray into polyamory, and he supposed he liked her continuing to be monogamous. When that ended, he wasn’t sure how to deal with it. He knew he had no reason to be jealous, but he agreed not to be around when Dean picked her up.”

Todd tries to rekindle his fading relationship with Jill, but he can’t really compete with what she feels for Dean. On Valentine’s he asks her to marry her. Jill insists it’s not just ‘Jill and Dean’ in the relationship, but also Todd and Tanya and the kids. Dean says he’s honestly prefer it if it were just the two of them. He’s very considerate, understanding, and open to the possibility that that might not be possible, but that he’d learn to live with it.

Tanya and Mindy are excited for Jill, but they don’t seem to grasp what marrying Dean implies. Tanya mourns the possibility of the loss, and makes an effort to understand Jill.

“I love you and the kids. I really do. But I’ve never fully been part of everything here… I know what the women of the neighborhood thing. You’re the primary. They will tolerate the idea of many loves, but they won’t tolerate but one love and that’s you. The idea of having my own neighborhood to raise my own family is appealing. Yes, it means that I have to leave this family, which is hard. I love you guys. But, what am I going to do? Move Dean into the basement?”

Jill discusses things with Todd. He’s pretty much backed against a wall, but he leaves the decision up to her though he’d prefer if it nothing changed.

She finally accepts Dean’s proposal agreeing to it being just them two.

“Accepting Dean’s proposal was the first step that had needed to be taken. She was declaring that she deserved more than being a friend with benefits.”

The Wedding’s on and all the preperations for it are being taken care of. Tanya is still miserable over Jill’s upcoming departure, though Mindy tries to comfort her and make her see things in a new light.

“Okay. I’ve known that Todd and I have room for improvement. Maybe I have been letting Jill be the crutch in that. As long as she’s there I don’t have to do all the work in the relationship. It’s been the three of us for so long that I don’t fully know what my life is like…With Jill and Todd, all my needs were fulfilled. I had emotional needs met and well, sexual”

Mindy insists:

“When Jill told me about your relationship, the three of you, I never felt like it gave full potential for either relationship to fully develop. She told me that they were different relationships, and I understand that. You have something with Todd she cannot have. And she has a part of him that you don’t have. But who’s to say you couldn’t have more? That you couldn’t gain a part of what she has with him? Get a babysitter, not your husband’s girlfriend, to go out for a night on the town. That’s what other couples do. Polyamory has clouded the lines here. You and Jill may not be a couple, but you’re sure emotionally committed to each other. But that is what friends are, too. And she’s not going to stop being your friend.”

They both conclude the conversation by making a toast for ‘being The One’.

Wedding preparations progress, and Todd is looking for a replacement for Jill. He starts to hit on Mindy, who is well aware of his intentions and not the least bit interested in going along with them. She still goes out on a date with him, just to tell him off and expose him as the douchebag he is.

It’s finally the wedding, and Todd makes a point not to show off. Everything goes splendidly, and the novel ends with Mindy catching the bouquet.

* * *

Alright. So, my personal feelings really did get in the way of my enjoying the novel, but when do they not? In the end everything is subjective, and while someone might enjoy the novel, I did not.

It started out great, but up to the point where the baby comes into play, then Dean makes his grand entrance, and everyone just fails to apply the most basic rules of polyamory, it just killed it for me.

Polyamory is not for everyone, and it’s certainly very complex. You really need to work hard to make it turn out the way you want to, which is why I always admire people who really do set the example, have their ups and downs but still make it work.

It certainly was not the proper lifestyle for any of the people involved in this book, and that’s fine. Once again, I was looking for a novel where poly did work out, and so when the novel never delivered, I did grow a bit disenchanted.

We’re socially pressured to be monogamous, though out nature dictates otherwise, and that was an obvious thing in the book. I’m not saying monogamy is wrong. I’m saying it’s a choice, and it most certainly is not The One True Way. It’s all a matter of personal preference. The characters in this book simply leaned more towards monogamy. They gave poly a try, but it was simply not for them.

My tiff centered around the concept of ‘The One’ (the fact that you should meet all of your partner’s needs and they should have no need for anyone else), and the sort of ‘cautionary tale’ advice that seeped through the writing. Polyamory is seen as a crutch. As something inherently dysfunctional, and the ideal of ‘The One’ is encouraged.

Blame Dan Savage, blame my cynicism, but to my way of thinking, and this is a very personal opinion, The One does not exist. And it’s unfair to drill it into people’s heads (not that the book did that, this goes far beyond the novel and more into societal expectations) because all that leads to, is setting one’s self for disappointment.

Long story short (not that anything can be short when it comes to me) this novel was one of those “it just wasn’t my kink”  instances, which is perfectly valid. Other people might be able to get something more out of it, or appreciate in a way I did not, but as it stands, it just wasn’t my cup of tea.

The One – Renee Clare-Kovacs

A Whisper of Eternity – Amanda Ashley

Midnight Embrace – Amanda Ashley

Daughter of Deceit – Victoria Holt

The Devil on Horseback – Victoria Holt

Demon Lover – Victoria Holt

Romance de Violette – Unknown (possibly Alexandre Dumas pere)

Her Fearful Symmetry – Audrey Niffenegger

Kept – Zoe Winters

“Months ago, on a hot Florida night, three friends explored one another. It’d been good enough that they’d explored together some more.

But while the sex is as amazing as ever between the couple, Jason’s shutting Lucy out of the everyday things. He’s searching. Lucy doesn’t know what Jason is seeking, but she’s scared that might mean leaving her behind. It’s time for her to pull up her big girl panties and figure out what’s wrong before things go really bad.

Jason surprises her—he’s not cheating and he’s not about to leave her, but he has an overwhelming desire he’s worried to admit. Lucy will have to demand her lover’s intimate submission to set them back on the path to happiness.

Reader Advisory: Contains a little male/male action, ménage elements, and some veryerotic female domination. (And, um…did we mention the enema scene? Hey, don’t knock it ’til you’ve read it.) This is the continuation of Jason and Lucy’s story, which started in Curious Intimacies. While this book can be read as a stand-alone, do you really want to miss the events that led them here?“

* * *

The writing is the slightest bit conceited the way Romances are, though not unpleasantly so. I was surprised at how tolerable I found the writing, considering how much of a literature snob I am.

The scenes were tastefully done, and well handled. Tasks otherwise unpleasant and mundane were eroticized and dealt with in good taste such as the enema scene or the shaving scene.

It’s very light BDSM, the incorporating of a D/s dynamic strictly in the bedroom.

Diana is not so much a Dominant woman as she is a switch, which is something I identified, and something I enjoyed reading. I caught on to submissive tendencies in her character; that eager need to please her lover, among one of them, yet she is able to switch for him in her desire to please him, and take on the dominant role for him.

Jason, as your stereotypical macho man was endearing in his vulnerability.

She was lovingly commanding, torturing him with pleasure and desire, which was one of the things that I found myself liking the most. There was no need to put on a bitch act and be cold or cruel.

I loved how she teased him.

Good, clean, fun playful kink.

They also made reference to the idea that though orally servicing someone might seem like an act of subservience, there is a degree of power one holds in the mere act of doing so.

It played out to my kinks and fantasies rather nicely. The scenes described were so much like my own, I really enjoyed someone else writing about them more or less in the same context I would.

I liked that she struggled somewhat to take on her role, and there was a constant hesitation of who was controlling who despite their actions and despite their position. There was also no stigma attached based on that oh so Roman way of thinking in regards of who is being taken and who is doing the taking.

The basic plot follows the continuing story (I have yet to read the previous segment) of Diana & Jason, a couple going through a rough patch because Jason has some hidden desires he won’t admit to lest his lover think less of him.

He admits right off the bat (it’s a novella, hence need to move fast) he needs her to take control, which catches her off guard, though she doesn’t object to the idea. She does some research, talks to a mutual lover, Shane, who’s gay, and has been involved in their threesomes.

He’s had previous experience in the scene, somewhat unpleasant, as did Diana in her early twenties. He hooks her up with his previous Mistress, who talks to Diana and explains the dynamic of a loving D/s relationship, and sheds truth on some myths and misconceptions (that was actually a scene I really liked).

Diana leaves and purchases a variety of adult toys to use for their test-trial later that evening, and afterwards, stops for a quickie over at Jason’s office, leaving him frustrated for the rest of the day.

We have the shaving scene, the enema scene, teasing, internal turmoil, and then hot strap-on sex, and then the cherry on top, it ends with a MFM ménage.

* * *

I was actually not familiar with this style of writing. I’d seen hints of it in The Secret History and Brideshead, though not utilized in such a blunt manner. It was just scene after scene after scene which I find a very appealing form to try out.

All in all, I was surprised by how not turned off I was by any of it (the writing, especially; it didn’t annoy the hell out of me). Being such a spoiled brat (once you’ve read erotic novels like Lolita, or the Beauty books you just sort of develop a very distinct and refined preference for writing) and all, I enjoyed it and even got the previous one.

I enjoyed how the topic was dealt with, how it treated it in a positive light , the scenes focused on internal turmoil (a pre-requisite for me) while still being hot, and there was even the incorporation of a ménage. Now if only they’d been poly, now that would have been very hot.

And who’dthunk it? Apparently I’m reading trashy smut for amusement now, and I’m enjoying it.

It’s just one perversion after another, I swear.

My parents are aware of what I write. The extent to which they do, I’m not quite sure. The way I approached kink to begin with was strictly academic. My first year abroad in college, when I had complete access to bookstores and online delivery, I immersed myself in all sorts of texts. I’ve always been guided by obsession, and as it is with most things, one thing lead to another, I discovered kink, and I never looked back.

I suppose my first exposure was CSI, with Madame Heather. I fell in love with all of it, but dismissed my strong responses the same way I’d done with Michelle Pfeiffer’s brilliant portrayal of Catwoman. When I was fifteen, and going through an obsession with Anne Rice’s novels, I downloaded The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty with no clue as to what it really was. I fell absolutely in love with it. Because it was an audiobook, the voice simply charmed me and seduced me and utterly de-sensitized me.

I still recall sending it to a friend who was actually the first person to ‘corrupt’ me, as we so lovingly put it, exposing me to not-so-innocent role-playing between our characters. None of that Stephenie Meyer BS where the lights fade off, suddenly it’s the next day, and we have the remnants of ‘extremely kinky sex’ in the bruises and bite-marks to be found everywhere.

She was thrilled with her accomplishment in having tainted this little prude who’d blush and freeze at the mention of something an vulgar and un-lady like as sex.

Though I listened to those books hundreds of times, something didn’t really click. This couldn’t possibly be pornography, since it was so beautifully written and psychologically complex. I felt like such a naughty little girl listening to those books, but there didn’t seem to be anything wrong with them. I hadn’t been terribly exposed to pornography, but I understood pornography was supposed to be sinful disgusting filth that somehow made you into a sexual criminal.

I got over those books, and for the longest time didn’t give them any real thought.

Fast-forward several years later. Finding myself with easy access to bookstores (where I lived there were seldom any), I could continue with my Anne Rice obsession (yes, this obsession has lasted over five years). I’d read all of her Vampire Chronicles, and her Mayfair Witches; all of these very sexual books which I devoured completely unfazed by their contents despite everything that had been drilled into my head, because they were good art.

I read Belinda, then moved on to Exit to Eden. It was with Exit to Eden that everything just clicked. the social critique in that book rang so unbelievably true. Combine that with my purchase of Katherine Ramsland’s ‘Roquelaure Reader‘, and my whole view of the world absolutely changed.

Any feelings of Catholic guilt over my sexuality and my role as a woman positively vanished.

I recall at that time openly reading my pornographic novels challenging anyone who dared to call me out on it, and I engaged in such enriching conversations with those who went out of their way to ask me why I was reading what I was reading, or if I felt not shame for doing it in public.

My attitude echoed very much that of Lisa Kelly in Exit to Eden.

And finally discovering in a bookstore near the Berkeley campus, in silent disbelief and blushing excitement, that shocking French classic which others must have known for years, looking so innocent in its smooth white book jacket, The Story of O.

No, you are not alone.

I felt everyone in that store was looking at me when I paid for it. Yet flushed and glaze-eyed I sat in the Cafe Mediterranee turning page after page, defying someone to see it, comment on it, come up to me, closing it only when I had finished all of it, and staring through the open doors at the students hurrying through the rain on Telegraph Avenue, thinking I will not live all my life with it being fantasy…

A shift in personality occurred in that I felt no shame or guilt, or dread in regards to my sexuality. If anything I became enraged because of society’s assumptions that males are the only ones who should be allowed to be blunt about their sexuality, since ‘They’re guys.. all they think about is sex’. Yeah, guess what? Women do too.

I am tremendously open in regards to my sexuality and my opinions in regards to it, but something a friend pointed out a few days ago when confessing to her own overly-sexual nature: some people are more comfortable with kink and sexuality than others, and so out of common courtesy, one picks and chooses who they can show that side of them to.

A few of our mutual friends are considerable prudes (and we love them for it), and so it’s not even a matter of keeping up with this asexual, lady-like facade society makes us wear (though that is a partial reason). It’s out of consideration to them, not to make them uncomfortable.

I love that people seek me out to talk about these things, because they’re not topics they can usually openly discuss.

Yesterday I had an unexpected visit from a friend who dropped down for a week from college for Thanksgiving break, and we spent two hours talking about topics ranging from our introductions to pornography, to the validity of sapphic fantasies in a woman and her desire to experiment.

I love seeing this side of my friends, and in no way look down on them for it; if anything it increases the amount of respect I have for them, because they’re not pretending to be that asexual victorian prude of a woman ‘good girls’ are supposed to be.